Thursday, October 03, 2013

*Tap tap tap* is this thing on?


It's been over 2 years since I disappeared from the crafty world. A rough 2 years at that.

It started with my computer blowing up. Shortly after that my mojo started to wither away. Challenges, design teams and online scrappy friends were always a good motivator for me. My creative spirit went into hiding. It hurt.

5 months later I finally was able to connect again. I started looking back into things when the local government changed and my husband (and all department heads) lost his job. I found myself having to work at a job that I hated in order to help support my family. I was working 2 jobs for awhile. After a few months of looking he took a crappy sales job that would at least pay bills. That lasted for 4 months. The other salesmen had picked his territory clean while they were looking to hire someone. With no customers (and they wouldn't let him leave office to get new ones) it was impossible to meet sales quotas. We were right back where we started. 

A week after he lost his job I found out I was pregnant. I was both extremely happy and terrified. I continued to work a lot while my husband continued to job hunt and watch my daughter. Things were going well until I had my anatomy ultrasound at 18 weeks. 

The dr called me a few days later to tell me that there were a few abnormalities wth the ultrasound. He was measuring only 15 weeks and there was a herniation around the umbilical cord. She scheduled me a higher level ultrasound with a MFM specialist. The 2nd ultrasound at 20 weeks showed a small heart defect. They recommended I have an amnio because of the multiple defects.

It was just a few weeks before christmas that they called me to tell me my son had a chromosonal condition called trisonomy 18. She pretty much told me there was no chance he would survive. Only1% of babies that are born with the condition make it to their first birthday. 

I was willing to fight and to continue to give my son every minute he was able to live. My husband and I disagreed with this. It wasn't that he didn't love our family but to be honest I think some things arent real to men until the baby is born. Things that were very real to me weren't real to him. It became almost like he was in denial that I was even pregnant. We fought all the time. I just kept working aand holding tight to my 3 year old for comfort.

I continued to carry and love my son for 12 more weeks. I was alone at the Drs appointment when they told me he had already passed. Deep down I knew before I went in as the activity I had loved had slowed a few days prior. I had no choice but to deliver. He was born with his angel wings on February 23rd. I named him Brodie after my grandmother.

 I completely shut down and to be honest I do not remember much of December 2012 thru May 2013. I'm just now coming out of the depression I went into afterwards. Things are starting to look up a little and I'm trying to get back to doing things for me. Crafting and scrapping were a big part of that. I feel like I'm ready to scrap the few memories I have of my son. I feel like I've missed most of my daughters 3rd year and I feel the need to document her growing up. 

I'm starting and revamping my blog so I can do challenges and enter contests and maybe to start designing again. Honestly I'm quite thankful I still have 240 followers after being gone so long. If you are reading this... Thank you.


4 comments:

Kristin Lamb said...

((((Hugs))))

Ashley H said...

Wow. So sorry to hear about your loss and your struggles. I have always been a big fan of your work so I look forward to seeing you scrap again! Hoping you find your mojo and it brings you some happiness!:)

amanda said...

i'm so sorry for your loss. sending hugs your way. I can't wait to see your work again.

Louise Palser said...

I have just stumbled across your blog and will now follow your difficult journey to a different life. I cannot imagine what you must be going through so I won't pretend I do. I am so sorry for your loss and hope the love that you have for and from your little girl offers you comfort when you think there is none, with love, lou x